can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
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