If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
