Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
