hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
