i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
babies were throwing up all over the place
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
