I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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