I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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