I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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