I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
