I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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