Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
