were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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