My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
