girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
