i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
