I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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