I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
