Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
even my farts smell like vagina
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
