My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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