I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You need Xanax blowdarts
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
