Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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