It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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