dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
