I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
