Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
