just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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