i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
