Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I believe in your delicious
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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