There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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