He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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