last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
