i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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