We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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