best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
bring money and cleavage
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
