Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
did i just pee glitter
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize