My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
