I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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