You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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