then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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