Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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