Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
