I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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