Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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