I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
