Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
