If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
This gyro tastes like lonliness
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
