i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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