Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Randomize