Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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