we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
