you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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