he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
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