I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize