a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize