Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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