Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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