Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i barfeds in our rink
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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