my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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