Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
