distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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