I wish I only lived at night.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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