I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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