I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
